My favourite quote to let go of insomnia

Why is it that when we try hard to sleep, we can’t? But sleep comes so easily when we don’t actively try? For example, you might try to stay awake after dinner to watch your favourite show but inadvertently fall asleep. Conversely, when you really want to sleep well the night before an important event, sleep is often the hardest thing to come by.

The answer to this question is that sleep is an autonomic bodily process, meaning it is outside of our conscious control. No matter how hard we try, sleep is not a process we cannot force. Forcing sleep is like trying to force your way out of a finger trap. If you keep pulling and trying to control it, it gets tighter… you must stop struggling to escape the trap. The same principle applies to insomnia. You need to loosen your grip and stop trying to control your sleep to ease your way out.

This approach is so different from how we tackle problems in our day-to-day lives. We are taught that the harder we work, the more effort we put in, the more rewards we will reap! But unfortunately, this “try harder” approach does not work well for insomnia. Sleep comes to us when the mind and body are calm and not trying hard. When we are “trying” to make something happen, our minds and bodies subconsciously activate. Our alertness system (or sympathetic/‘flight or fight’ system) comes online to protect us from threats (in this case, protect us from a sleepless night). But this is the opposite of what we need to happen for sleep to come. We need our alertness system to reduce it’s activity so our ‘rest and digest’ (or parasympathetic) system can take over and allow sleep to come.  

My favourite quote highlighting the importance of letting go to help insomnia is by Dr Jason Ong, a behavioural sleep medicine psychologist. He is one of the pioneers of Mindfulness-Based Therapy for Insomnia, and he sums it up beautifully here in this article about relaxing your grip on sleep. 

“There’s an idea in Buddhism called the “second dart.” It suggests that the first dart is something our enemy throws at us (in this case, a lack of sleep) and the second dart is the one that we throw at ourselves (in this case, the obsession with our goal to get better sleep). While we might not be able to alleviate the first one right away, by changing our attitude towards outcomes, we can avoid the second dart altogether.”

So, don’t throw darts at yourself.

Try changing your attitude towards insomnia to facilitate sleep (rather than hinder it) instead. You might like to play around with the Mindfulness principles of acceptance and letting go the next time you are struggling to sleep. 

Acceptance is a willingness to see things as they are. It is the courage to stop trying to force an outcome and instead just let things be. This quote by author Dan Millman sums it up well, “Stress happens when the mind resists what is.” Stress happens if we try to force sleep that isn’t ready to come. This can lead us to feel anxious or frustrated about the fact that we can’t sleep. Ironically, trying to force sleep can make things worse and make us less likely to get the sleep we seek (i.e., the second dart). If we can accept that sleep is not ready to visit us, there is not much point in staying in bed. Whilst many people avoid getting out of bed when they can’t sleep, staying in bed can actually make an insomnia problem worse. The more time we spend in bed awake and frustrated, the stronger the association becomes for the bed as a place of wakefulness and frustration rather than a place of restful sleep. By letting go of how we want things to be (in this case, asleep) and practice acceptance instead (e.g., accept that we are awake), we don’t get into a battle with insomnia and increase our chances of better sleep, either tonight or tomorrow night.

How to apply acceptance and letting go to insomnia

When you can’t sleep, instead of staying in bed, tossing and turning, getting frustrated, or playing on your phone, choose to let go of making “an effort” to sleep. There are two ways you can do this:

1. The first is by getting out of bed (the ultimate act of acceptance and letting go!) and doing something else more accepting of your wakeful state instead. For example, instead of staying in bed striving for sleep, let go of sleep effort and get up and make yourself comfy on the couch instead. You might like to grab a warm blanket, a cup of herbal tea, and watch the end of a show on Netflix that you didn’t have time to finish (do keep the light levels dim so you don't confuse your circadian rhythms, though). When/if you notice signs of sleepiness (e.g., eyelids become heavier, starting to yawn), that is your cue to go back to bed as sleep is more ready to come now. Or some people like to set a defined time, like 30 or 60 minutes, out of bed. I prefer listening to your body and waiting for it to signal sleepiness, but both can help. This behavioural sleep medicine strategy is called Stimulus Control, and I’ll talk about it more in a future Substack.

2. Or you might just like to accept that you are awake in bed and make the most of the situation. Often we view being awake in bed as negative, but if practice curiosity towards the experience and take the judgement out of it, being awake in bed can still be a pleasant or at least a neutral experience. For example, tune into your senses (e.g., touch) and just notice what it is like to be awake in bed. You might notice the softness of the sheets or the warmth of the blankets. Or feel yourself being supported by your comfy mattress. You might also bring to mind feelings of gratitude that you have a nice warm bed to sleep in and a roof over your head. Being awake in bed doesn’t have to be good or bad; it is thinking that makes it so.

No matter how much (or little) sleep you get on these tricky nights, we still recommend getting up at the same time each day to help keep your circadian rhythms in sync and increase your odds of a better night's sleep the next night (see my last Substack for these tips). You might not have the best night of sleep, but you will probably still feel better than you would if you stayed awake and frustrated in bed the whole night.  

Easier said than done? Yes, but saying goodbye to insomnia for good is totally worth the (lack of) effort 😊

Take care,

Dr Hailey Meaklim

Founder of My Better Sleep

My Better Sleep News

·        We are coming to the end of our time at the Melbourne Accelerator Program and getting ready for Demo Day! If you are in Melbourne and would like to hear more about My Better Sleep, you can get tickets to MAP Demo Day 2023 here.

Sleep media of the week

·        Dr Matt Walker is a world-leading sleep advocate with a great sleep podcast – The Matt Walker Show. In this episode, Matt brings on one of my favourite Behavioural Sleep Medicine gurus, Dr Michael Grandner, to talk about all things insomnia. Check it out here.

Sleep research news:

·        In Australia, we are gearing up for our annual Sleep DownUnder Conference, which will be held in Adelaide later this year. I am excited to announce that I have been selected to participate in the New Investigator competition. I will be getting up on stage with other fantastic early career researchers to talk about my PhD sleep education research.  If you are heading to Sleep DownUnder, be sure to check out the New Investigator session on Thursday, 9^th November       

Lastly, here is a picture of my dog, Kevin, to round out today’s Substack 😊

Disclaimer

The sleep tips in this newsletter are for informational and educational purposes only and do not constitute medical or psychological advice. Please consult your healthcare professional for advice on your own specific sleep condition and needs. If you would like to see behavioural sleep medicine provider/sleep psychologist in your local area to help with your sleep, you can find a list of qualified practitioners worldwide here https://www.behavioralsleep.org/index.php/directory/all.